


Freeze in Fire

by silver_fish



Series: whumptober 2020 [2]
Category: A Saga of Light and Dark - T. J. Chamberlain, Original Work
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Pre-Canon, Self-Worth Issues, Whumptober 2020, nerissa’s like...five
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 06:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_fish/pseuds/silver_fish
Summary: It doesn't matter that Ely can heal it. It won't change the fact that Adrienne hurt their daughter, the way she swore she never would.
Relationships: Adrienne Cherri Smith & Nerissa Smith, Adrienne Cherri Smith/Ely Smith, Ely Smith & Nerissa Smith
Series: whumptober 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929817
Comments: 15
Kudos: 10
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Freeze in Fire

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/laphicets) / [tumblr](https://kohakhearts.tumblr.com)
> 
> i had plans for this day but then...i finished writing adrienne's backstory (which is available to read! it's like 90k words but you can find more info on twitter or tumblr if you're interested) and this idea crawled into my head and it's been living there rent-free ever since. nerissa is just over five years old, so poseidon would be not even a year old yet annnd that means adrienne is 26 and ely is 28. big theme is child abuse but that's not actively Going On, it's only talked about! this fill is for day 14 following the prompt "fire." okok hope you enjoy !

“Wow,” Nerissa breathes. Her grey eyes are alight with the wonder of her mother's magic, so wide and innocent as she leans closer to it. She has begged and begged to see a demonstration ever since she realized that Adrienne’s magic is different from Ely’s, but it is the first time Adrienne has caved and shown her. Just a little flame, perfectly within her control…

“Be careful,” Adrienne warns her. “Fire is dangerous, Nerissa. I don't want it to hurt you.”

But Nerissa isn't listening; this becomes immediately apparent as she reaches out, as if to touch it. Adrienne swears, pulling her hand back, but they are too close and Nerissa has leaned too far. She trips over Adrienne's outstretched leg, a hand flying out to grab something, and—

All there is is the fire.

Nerissa falls back, cradling her hand close to her chest, and bursts into tears. The fire is gone now, finally extinguished even through all her anxious energy, but she cannot look away from her own hand, where her daughter's was just seconds ago, reaching for something to hold her, to steady her, to guide her…

Nausea roils through her. Nerissa cries and cries and cries, and Adrienne cannot even look at her, cannot speak… She always does this, doesn't she? Freezes in fire. She always _has_.

“Adrienne?”

She closes her eyes, a sob threatening to rise up in her throat. Behind her comes the sound of footsteps from the nursery, but she can’t look up at him, can’t bear to confront what she will find if she opens her eyes…

“What’s the matter, sweetie?” she hears Ely murmur.

Maybe Nerissa shows him, because she doesn’t say anything through all her sniffling. Adrienne doesn’t—can’t—look to see.

“Oh. Okay, love, let’s take some deep breaths… Adrienne?”

She can’t look at him.

“Adrienne, I need you to take Poseidon—”

Her head shoots up, eyes opening wide. Immediately, she is on her feet, taking a step back and shaking her head. There he is, kneeled down beside their hurt daughter, gurgling baby cradled in his arms, and he’s just _looking_ at her, waiting—

“Adrienne?”

“N-no, I can’t, I can’t—”

“O-okay, okay, it’s all right.” He looks down to Nerissa and offers her a small smile. “Let’s give Mommy some space. Come with me. You’re being so brave!”

He’s still talking as he coaxes her out of the sitting room, back to the nursery, but Adrienne can’t hear him at all, can hardly even think anything around the panic withholding the oxygen from the rest of her body. She leans against the nearest wall and slides down it, pulls her knees up to her chest, and _breathes_. Every inhale is painful, horrible, only just less so than their proceeding exhales. She can’t cry, she _won’t_ , it would not be fair to Nerissa, her _daughter_ , she loves her so much, but love has not been enough, has it?

She puts a hand against her cheek, fills in the shape her mother left there all those years ago. There is no scar, no, but she doesn’t need one to remember. Katina _told_ her—no matter what she did, or where she went, or who she tried to be…

She is still her mother’s daughter.

How long she stays there, she doesn’t know. She feels— _gross_ , the way she remembers feeling back then too, but it isn’t the words Katina said about Ely and their relationship that are running through her head now, no, it’s the other ones, _it won’t change who you are_ , _the same horrible woman you hate._

Eventually, there are footsteps again, two pairs of them, and then soft, small hands holding hers. She lifts her head to see Nerissa beaming at her, all her previous pain long forgotten.

She holds her hand up and twists it around grandly to prove that it is uninjured, unblemished.

“Daddy healed me!”

“Th-that’s good, sweetie,” she croaks. “I’m sorry I—s-so sorry I hurt you.”

“I’m okay,” Nerissa insists, and now she’s puffing up her chest, looking very pleased with herself. “I’m _strong_ and _brave_.”

“Nerissa,” Ely suddenly says, putting a hand on her shoulder and kneeling down just beside her. “Why don’t you go work on our tower? So we can show Mommy?”

She gasps, then nods excitedly and races off. They watch her cross to the other side of the room, where she has been working tirelessly all day, with Ely’s occasional input, on a rather complex— _odd-looking_ —tower of wooden blocks. Her singular focus is quite impressive for her age, Adrienne often thinks. There’s no doubt that she’ll be studious when she’s older, maybe a bit like her father would have been if he had had the chance to be.

“Poseidon?” she murmurs, glancing over at Ely as he settles against the wall beside her.

“Asleep again. Finally.” He sighs. “Don’t worry about the kids right now, Adrienne. They’re fine. You’re not. What happened?”

As soon as it comes back to her, her throat closes up. She looks away from him, shaking her head, unable to speak.

“Adrienne, you have to talk to me. You really scared Nerissa. I think she thought you were angry with her or something.”

She winces. “N-no. Never. No.”

“Tell me what’s going through your head.”

“I—I burned her,” she manages, finally turning back to meet his eyes. “I _burned_ our daughter, Ely.”

He nods. Nothing in his expression changes at all. “Yes. You did.”

“And—and you’re—”

He reaches up and grabs both of her hands firmly in his. “Adrienne, it was an _accident_. And it was really not that bad. She’s five. Of course she would act like that. It took two seconds to heal. Cold water would have been enough.”

Adrienne’s eyes well with tears. “It doesn’t matter. I still hurt her.”

“The way she re-enacted it to me, it sounds more like she hurt herself, actually.”

“Re-enacted— What?”

He rolls his eyes, shooting a fond but brief glance at Nerissa. “You know how she is. Always the drama with that one. Wonder who she got that from?”

“I’m not being dramatic.”

“I’m not saying you are. Just that you can be.” He frowns. “I know it’s hard sometimes, but this—it’s not as bad as you’re feeling it is. Accidents happen, Adrienne. I mean, I’m sure I got burned or worse at home when I was a kid too. I did stupid shit, especially in places I was told _not_ to do those things. Honestly, I sort of deserved what I got. One of my parents would heal me and they would say, you know, _now you know_ , right? So what happened? You told her—‘don’t touch it’?”

Adrienne nods.

“And she tried to touch it anyway,” he goes on, “so you…”

“Froze,” she whispers. “I froze, and I burned her, and it’s all my fault.”

“You froze?”

“I always do.” She sniffles, pulling one of her hands away to wipe at her eyes. “It scares me. If—if it wasn’t my _magic_ …”

“But it is,” he reminds her gently. “It’s the magic you have. It’s a _part_ of who you are. And—of course it scares you. But just because you inherited it from your mother doesn’t mean you’re going to use it the same way she did. Yes, Nerissa got burned. But she’s fine and it was an _accident_. Once she was healed, she was more worried about you than herself. I think the fact that you’re reacting this way sort of proves that you’re _not_ your mother, doesn’t it?”

“She…she didn’t always _mean_ to hurt me, either.”

“I think we both know that’s not true.”

She looks away from him again, vision blurred. She doesn’t bother to wipe the tears away when they spill over her cheeks, and he doesn’t reach over to do it for her. Instead, he says, “It’s _okay_ to be afraid.”

She closes her eyes and inhales sharply.

“Nerissa doesn’t feel like you hate her. She’s already convinced you weren’t even mad at her, just from talking to me. She loves you, Adrienne, more than anything. And I know you love her too. What happened—it was an accident. And I can’t say it won’t happen again, but…I really doubt it will. She’s learned her lesson. Fire is dangerous. She knows that now.”

“ _I_ already knew that, though,” Adrienne points out weakly. “But I still showed it to her. And when she reached for it, I couldn’t—couldn’t make it go out, because I was _scared_.”

“But nobody’s hurt. You _did_ put it out.”

“But I froze first.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“Everything! How can I ever _protect_ her when I’m too afraid of—of _myself_ to do it? I _burned_ her! I hurt her! Just like she hurt me!”

His grip tightens, until she’s gasping in pain, looking over at him again. So serious, calm as ever, but then, too, there’s that emotion she sees so rarely, that she never wanted to see directed at her again.

She jerks her hand back, but he just pulls her in closer again. She grits her teeth against the sensation trying to push through her chest.

“L-let go of me.”

Hard, steely grey. He shakes his head. His fingernails bite into her skin.

“ _Please_ ,” she tries, desperately, but his hold doesn’t loosen at all, nor does his expression shift, that horrible expression, the one _she_ caused…

It rises up, drags her under. The taste of salt tears fills her mouth again.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, just let me _go_!”

She tugs fiercely, every inch of her shaking, but he holds fast.

“Let me go! _Let me go!_ ”

“And what will you do then?” he asks steadily.

“I—I don’t know!” She struggles harder, pointlessly. Her breaths come hard and fast, seconds away from sobs. “J-just—I want you to _get away_ —”

“No, you don’t.”

“I _do_! It would be better if you— _left_ me, just _leave_ , I don’t _deserve_ —”

“ _Adrienne_.”

She stops, jaw clenching painfully. It’s in his tone now too, that emotion, _for her_ —

_Anger._

And rightfully so, she thinks. She has hurt their daughter, who’s still on the other side of the room. She’s too invested in her task to pay them any mind, though Adrienne aches with the weight of her own voice, but even just from here, her head of curly brown hair, so like her father’s—it _hurts_ to look at her, a sickness starting in Adrienne’s stomach that threatens to swallow her whole… She told Ely to come here with her, and for what? So he could watch her become her mother, the way she was always going to do?

“You’re in your own head,” he says. “You have to listen to me— _really_ listen—or this is never going to work. Don’t you want to be better, Adrienne? Didn’t you always say—?”

“Damn what I said,” she gasps. “It doesn’t matter, it won’t _change_ anything—”

“But you’ve _already_ changed. Forget about her! You’re not your mother!”

She shakes her head wildly, digging her nails into his skin and tugging hard, but he just grabs her other hand again and holds more tightly still. He won’t let her, won’t _let_ her run away from this, like she runs away from everything—like she has run away from her mother and her name and now, here, she will run away again, because her children will be better off, surely, with no mother at all than with a mother who _hurts_ them.

“Dammit, Adrienne,” he hisses. “Stop trying to get away from me. I’m here to _help_ you.”

The feeling overwhelms, leaves her wracked with sobs. She screws her eyes shut and shakes her head again, _No, you can’t help me, nobody can help me_ , and how can he sit here like this with her, bear to _touch_ her when she is— _this_ , this horrible version of her mother, _useless, pathetic, repulsive—_

But then there is—

“Mommy?”

Her eyes fly open and she tries again, to no avail, to pull away from Ely. Nerissa stands just between them, her little eyebrows furrowed in confusion, head tilted just so… She doesn’t seem upset, exactly, but her hand clutches Ely’s sleeve, like she cannot bear to be apart from him when all Adrienne wants to be is _away_ , anywhere but here, before Nerissa gets hurt again…

She looks up at Ely with wide, imploring eyes. “Can’t you heal her, Daddy?”

Ely offers her a smile, such a sad expression it makes Adrienne’s throat burn…

“No,” he whispers. “I can’t heal her.”

“W-why not?”

“We can’t heal every wound, Nerissa. I wish we could, but… This is something Mommy needs to heal from herself. You can help her, though, you know that?”

She glances back at Adrienne, then asks, “How? I wanna help!”

He hums, considering it. “Well…maybe, you could give her a hug, like I did for you, remember?”

She nods eagerly. “And then what?”

“And then…tell her you love her, so much.”

“That’s it?” If Adrienne could have, she would’ve laughed at the disbelief in her tone. “She already knows that!”

“But sometimes we need to remind her,” Ely murmurs, and he’s releasing her hands, finally, leaning over to press a soft kiss against Nerissa’s forehead. “Sometimes a little love is the best sort of healing there is.”

Nerissa still doesn’t look entirely convinced, but when she faces Adrienne it is with a determined glint in her eyes. Adrienne sits, staring at her blearily, torn—she cannot walk _away_ from Nerissa, just as surely as she cannot let Nerissa forgive her for hurting her, but she is so close and there is no time to move before Nerissa is pushing at her legs, forcing them down to make room for herself on her lap. Dutifully, like her father told her to, she wraps her arms around Adrienne and buries her face in her shirt. Her breaths are soft, deep, gentle, and Adrienne lifts a trembling hand to stroke her hair, but it does not take away the doubt, the guilt, toxins in her bloodstream, the evidence of her heritage…

“I love you,” Nerissa says, voice muffled by cotton fabric, and then she lifts her head, tilting it to look up at Adrienne, very serious. “Are you better now?”

She gives a shaky laugh and sweeps Nerissa’s hair out of her face.

“I’m better,” but of course it is not really true, no, when she can still _feel_ her mother’s hand, there, burning her, just as she burned her own daughter…

Nerissa beams, though, pulling away to scramble up to her feet. “Then come look! I’ve been working _so hard all day_ —it’s perfect!”

She whirls around and runs back to where she was before, but just as Adrienne makes to stand and go after her, Ely grabs her hand, lighter than before.

“This conversation isn’t over.”

“I…I know.”

His eyes search hers, for a long moment, before Nerissa’s irritated voice is calling, “Hurry _up_!”

His lips twitch, and then he is rising, pulling her up beside him. She stumbles slightly, her legs trembling, but he puts a hand at her waist to steady her and presses a quick kiss against her lips. When he pulls back, he offers her a smile. “Just remember, Adrienne. A Cherri would never stoop as low as playing with _blocks_ with her daughter.”

Adrienne closes her eyes, briefly, and nods. His hand comes up, touches her cheek, and then it is gone. As he walks away, into the kitchen, she turns towards Nerissa. Her arms are crossed over her chest now, her foot tapping impatiently against the floor.

Something inside of Adrienne loosens, and her shoulders drop a bit. Finally, finally, she kneels in front of her daughter and smiles at her, even though it is hard, even though it hurts.

Nerissa doesn’t need any further encouragement; she’s always been like this, ever since she was able to string two or more words together, so _excited_ just to explain things, even the simplest of things, whatever she can… She reminds Adrienne, a bit, of Ely, but there is too, she thinks, something of herself there too, something that was forced out of her long ago, _passion_ and _creativity_ , all the things nobles oughtn’t be when the eyes of the whole kingdom are on them, always.

She sits, and she listens, and she does not move. Does not run away, even though a part of her still says she should, it would be for the best… It does not matter what would be best, because she loves her daughter, loves to listen to her like this, no matter how ridiculous the things she’s saying may or may not be. These are the things she got burned for as a child, she knows… For being overconfident, too loud, excitable, but then, too, for being too self-conscious, too quiet, too withdrawn… But it does not matter that Nerissa is impatient, or noisy, or, like Ely always said, a bit of a know-it-all in the making—it does not matter, because Adrienne loves her anyway and, yes, he told her long ago, didn’t he? _That’s what matters more than anything._

Maybe it is more than she deserves. No matter what he says, she still hurt their daughter, and that—it’s deplorable. It’s sickening. It’s exactly what her mother would have done.

But when Nerissa finishes her spiel and leans down to grab Adrienne’s hands—“So, Mommy? Is it good?”—she cannot help wanting to stay, to keep seeing that beautiful, perfect smile every single day.

“It’s good,” she says. “It is so, so good, Nerissa.”

She will not—cannot—run away this time.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated! xx
> 
> if you're interested in learning more about my novel series, i post all info on twitter [@laphicets](https://twitter.com/laphicets) and tumblr [@kohakhearts](https://kohakhearts.tumblr.com)! feel free to find me for general writing updates too; i also sometimes take fic requests on both platforms!


End file.
